sweetness in boy form

 coming back in from heading to school, titus hugs me and say, "mom, i really miss you when i'm at school.  i get tears in my eyes sometimes so I go to the bathroom so no one sees them."

sighing, he looks at me longingly, "i just wanna marry you.  but, you're already married to dad."

"mom, thank you for dinner."

"mom, thank you for taking such good care of me."

i am reminded today, that it is grace that causes titus to love so deeply.

to love so freely is of God, and not of me.  i have parented him no differently than my other boys.

although, the older two would beg to differ.

some children are well, just easier to parent.

they don't push back.

they don't sass back.

they don't fight you.

they speak kind words toward you.

oh, how i want to show grace to all my boys.

but mostly one.

one that needs it the most.

because he's so much like me.  the law is his life.  ugh.

perhaps, as i search to rid my life of the law, i will be a means of grace to him.

Lord, help me.

today, i'm searching...for grace.

hoping to learn how to accept it and let it permeate my every fiber.

to resonate deeply in my heart.

if grace is a free gift, why is it so hard to accept?

idols of the heart.

ugh.

clinging to the comfort of familiar pain.

feelings of hopelessness and dread driving me when i know better.

i must jump.

off the cliff.

trusting He'll catch me.

He's done it before.

i want to be free of the law in my life.

the law that chains me to death.

He broke those chains

with His death on the cross.

So, in my pursuit of God this year, I'm seeking to wrap my brain around His perfect grace.
"You, God, who are FULL of grace.  It's your character.  In this moment, in my life, what does that mean to me?

"My Father so loved me that He sent His Son to rescue me from the punishment that was due me for my sins.  These are the sins I committed when I was a child, the sins I committed before I became a believer, and the ones I've committed today.  He has seen all of my sin; my selfishness, anger, laziness, and pride, and He has loved me.  To rescue me, His Son was sent from heaven, His home, to be born as a human baby, live a perfect life, suffer in shame and humiliation on Calvary, rise again after three days, and then ascend to the right hand of His Father, where He watches over and redeems every facet of my life, including my parenting.  He has promised to use everything in my life for my good and His glory.  This is the kind of watchful, fatherly love He has for me.  He is the perfect parent, and this record of perfection has been transferred to me, since I have put my trust in Him.  My children's salvation doesn't depend on me and more than my own salvation did.  He's a wonderful Father.  I can rest in His everlasting arms--now."

excerpt from "Give Them Grace" by Elyse Fitzpatrick and Jessica Thompson